Even in a lifestyle that claims to be accepting of all, there will always those who end up feeling left out or unwelcome. I hear it constantly. Sometimes it can be brought on by ourselves from failing to let go of our fears and insecurities. Other times we find ourselves standing on the outside of a circle or clique that seems impenetrable and we don’t really know why.
When a couple or even a single begin their journey in the LS, they may have high hopes and grand expectations of how things will go for them. Big plans to explore their sexuality, fulfill their deepest fantasies and cross off some of their naughty “fuck-it list.” In order to do this, first they must meet the right people!
There might be a struggle initially not knowing where or how to go about finding like-minded people for adult fun.
(If this is a problem for you check out our blog post on how to meet others, https://swingopen.wordpress.com/2019/09/23/swinger-sites-and-other-ways-to-meet-lifestyle-friends/ )
Once you meet some like-minded people, there tends to be a bit of a snowball effect. Especially if you start going to parties or Meet n Greets. You’ll quickly find the community is much bigger than you imagined but at the same time quite small depending on where you live.
There may be some groups that have been around for awhile and built quite the following. Every gathering will have fresh faces but there will always that core group of regulars. There always seems to be a bunch who all know each other and appear to have been friends since high school or somwthing. They cling to one and other at every event and even seem to spend the majority of their non-party time together.
This can be extremely intimidating for newcomers. That’s one thing that makes Meet n Greets less appealing to us. It seems to just turn into a group of friends hanging out, it becomes less of a swingers meet up and more like your basic Saturday night bar hop with college buddies.
Another thing a newbie may encounter is a lack of connection once the party atmosphere has ended. Say you go to a party, you might hit it off really well with a few couples. Even perhaps get a bit entangled with someone but when the party’s over, never hear from them to hang out on the weekend or go have brunch with a group.
There seems to be different levels as well. There are the hottest, highly attractive who kind of stick together, the bottom rung who maybe aren’t as attractive but still lots of fun who also form their own clique. Then there are people who kind of fall in the middle.
We could be wrong, but we feel like that is us. The middle class, floaters. We seem to mingle with people in all levels but never feel fully at home in any faction of the group. Sort of like the misfits on the island of misfit toys. We can be fun to hang with at the parties but never quite make it to the the inner circle. And that’s okay. We never really got into all this to make best friends. It seems a lot of people have done that. They have to feel connected all the time and part of a group.
The thing is once these “groups” form then the drama begins. We try to make it a point to keep clear of drama at all costs. Although this year we have seen our share of it. When these cliques and groups come together, someone is always left out. There is often some kind of falling out within the group for whatever reason which causes unnecessary turmoil. Many events become a high school reunion rather than a fantasy experience. Who needs that?
But what can be done?
Sometimes it just is what it is. People are naturally drawn together for all kinds of reasons.
According to a Kidshealth.org article from July 2018 reviewed by Kathryn Hoffses, PhD; https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/cliques.html?view=ptr&WT.ac=t-ptr
“Cliques attract people for different reasons: For some people, being popular or cool is the most important thing, and cliques give them a place where they can get this social status. Other people want to be in cliques because they don’t like to feel left out.”
The funny thing is, this article was written for Teens.
We once had someone tell us that if we are having a good time meeting couples and going on dates then we should skip the parties and Meet n Greets.
They said, “It’s like high school again!”
That kind of stuck with us. It does seem that way at times. We aren’t in the largest city in the U.S. and you quickly find out just how small the community is. As mentioned we often see many of the same people at these events. Many are just there for the drinks. Sometimes we wonder if certain people even ever play or if they are literally just there for the atmosphere. Every couple has their own dynamic. Everyone has their standards and boundaries, so that could be a real possibility.
So, what can you do? Best advice we can give is just be you! I know it sounds cliché but honestly, it is the only thing you can do. You can’t control who wants to be your friend but you can control how you feel about yourself. When you go to events, try to look your best! Always dress to impress. We notice that is definitely an issue for men. There are so many that don’t even seem to try. Maybe their wife or SO is very sexy. Therefore, she becomes the focal point of their attraction. Then they become sort of one dimensional as a couple. Men in general just need to simply step up their game when it comes to fashion. Some of them show up to these events looking like they just rolled out of bed or left the gym and came straight over. It’s great that your wife looks so amazing’ so first question that comes to mind is, “Do you play separate”?
There is always an exception to everything of course. We have met some of the most down to earth, attractive people in the LS as well. People, who in high school probably wouldn’t have even looked at us but now make us feel like we are part of something amazing and even have mindblowing sexual experiences with.
As a couple we try to talk to anyone and everyone. You really never know where it may lead. Maybe they aren’t a sexual match but could be amazing people and having more friends is never a bad thing. You don’t have to have sex with everyone you meet.
Ha, “We don’t have to have sex with everyone we meet.” I have to remind myself of that from time to time.
So, next time you are at a party or event, just put yourself out there. Talk to people. Be in the moment. Don’t get stagnant and stuck with one group or another. Make a sincere effort to reach out to people you haven’t talked to before. If at a party or meet, perhaps make it a point to meet 3-5 new people even if you spend most of your night with a certain group or hiding in the corner. Trust me, they are just as nervous as you are. You came all this way to fulfill you’re fantasies. Take that next step. Say hello to someone and don’t forget to smile!
We are in an amazing place these days. So much is happening in 2021.
If you have something you want covered or if there are any questions you have, please send us an email! Thanks for reading!
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